Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Thank you. You're welcome.
True story:
I had this girlfriend a long time ago, back during my spiritual journey. She was fundy Christian. She and I were driving at night in the middle of winter.
Suddenly we skidded out. It was really no big deal. We were on a nice wide, four-lane road with no ditches – in fact with a curb – and it was deserted, but for us. We were only moving about 40 mph when we went over some railroad tracks. That little bump was enough on that slick stretch to send us into a very slow skid.
Immediately she started praying, “Help me Jesus! Oh dear God, Jesus please don’t let us die.” Etc.
I was at once annoyed and trying to keep control of the car. Seriously, I thought, “Well that’s not going to help.”
The car made a wide, slow sweep that took us to the other side of the road where, once it bumped the curb, it came to a stop. I mean, it was not the stuff of action movies. Remember the OJ chase, all those shots from the helicopter and you watched going, “Well this is the lamest chase I’ve ever seen?” Yeah, it was like that. Really, no big.
As soon as we stopped moving she, hands still clasped in prayer, whispered hoarsely, “Thank you!”
I turned to her and said, with as much annoyed sarcasm as I could muster, “You’re welcome!”
I think that may have been the beginning of the end of our relationship.
Whenever I have a meal prepared by someone I know I like to say, “Could we please stop and give thanks?” then turn to the cook and say, “Thank you.”
And here’s a joke I stole from Dan Barker:
I man is nearly late for a very important interview and is having trouble finding a parking space.
He starts praying, “Oh dear Jesus, help me! Please provide me a parking space right up close so I will make to my interview on time!”
At the last possible moment, a minute before his appointment someone pulls out of a spot right in front of the door. The man says, “Never mind, Jesus. I found one myself.”
I had this girlfriend a long time ago, back during my spiritual journey. She was fundy Christian. She and I were driving at night in the middle of winter.
Suddenly we skidded out. It was really no big deal. We were on a nice wide, four-lane road with no ditches – in fact with a curb – and it was deserted, but for us. We were only moving about 40 mph when we went over some railroad tracks. That little bump was enough on that slick stretch to send us into a very slow skid.
Immediately she started praying, “Help me Jesus! Oh dear God, Jesus please don’t let us die.” Etc.
I was at once annoyed and trying to keep control of the car. Seriously, I thought, “Well that’s not going to help.”
The car made a wide, slow sweep that took us to the other side of the road where, once it bumped the curb, it came to a stop. I mean, it was not the stuff of action movies. Remember the OJ chase, all those shots from the helicopter and you watched going, “Well this is the lamest chase I’ve ever seen?” Yeah, it was like that. Really, no big.
As soon as we stopped moving she, hands still clasped in prayer, whispered hoarsely, “Thank you!”
I turned to her and said, with as much annoyed sarcasm as I could muster, “You’re welcome!”
I think that may have been the beginning of the end of our relationship.
Whenever I have a meal prepared by someone I know I like to say, “Could we please stop and give thanks?” then turn to the cook and say, “Thank you.”
And here’s a joke I stole from Dan Barker:
I man is nearly late for a very important interview and is having trouble finding a parking space.
He starts praying, “Oh dear Jesus, help me! Please provide me a parking space right up close so I will make to my interview on time!”
At the last possible moment, a minute before his appointment someone pulls out of a spot right in front of the door. The man says, “Never mind, Jesus. I found one myself.”
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The War On Solstice
Happy Holidays, Bill O'Reilly!
It's that time of year, the first snow fall, the thrill of black Friday, yuletide carols being sung by a choir and jackasses ranting about the "war on Xmas."
When I was a kid, and a Catholic, my family said, "Happy Holidays" all the time. It simply meant, "If I don't see you, happy Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year." It referred to the holiday season.
But the O'Reillyites have to have something to bitch about. Those poor oppressed Xtians. They make it sound like "happy holidays" is a brand new slogan created a year ago by the liberals as part of the assault on Xmas. I've actually heard it said the liberals are trying to take away their right to say, "Merry Xmas."
And the store protests, almighty Atheismo, help me! The stores don't give two fucks about anyone’s religious holiday. Target management is not thinking, "Screw those Xtians. I'm not saying Xmas. I'm EVIL, ha ha ha ha!!" Nor are they thinking, "Ooh. Don't want to offend any Muslims by not including their holidays." Their thinking, "Happy holidays. It's warm and cheery in here. Come and spend your money." They're not being PC in order to spare people's feelings. If anything, they're taking advantage of the PC movement in order to be inclusive of everyone's money!
If the Xtians really want to protest an attack on their precious holiday, they should protest the stores who target Xmas specifically by saying, "Merry Xmas." Because when stores do that, they have one thing in mind. And it ain't the birth of X. It's, get your Xtian money in here. That's it. So the Xtians should be furious at the stores who DO say, "Merry Xmas," violating the sanctity of the holiday for commercial purposes. Shit the war on Xmas has been going on for centuries.
From now on when someone complains about the war on Xmas, I respond with, "Screw you. Xtians have been perpetrating a war on Solstice for two thousand years! Xmas is a stolen pagan holiday!"
It's that time of year, the first snow fall, the thrill of black Friday, yuletide carols being sung by a choir and jackasses ranting about the "war on Xmas."
When I was a kid, and a Catholic, my family said, "Happy Holidays" all the time. It simply meant, "If I don't see you, happy Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year." It referred to the holiday season.
But the O'Reillyites have to have something to bitch about. Those poor oppressed Xtians. They make it sound like "happy holidays" is a brand new slogan created a year ago by the liberals as part of the assault on Xmas. I've actually heard it said the liberals are trying to take away their right to say, "Merry Xmas."
And the store protests, almighty Atheismo, help me! The stores don't give two fucks about anyone’s religious holiday. Target management is not thinking, "Screw those Xtians. I'm not saying Xmas. I'm EVIL, ha ha ha ha!!" Nor are they thinking, "Ooh. Don't want to offend any Muslims by not including their holidays." Their thinking, "Happy holidays. It's warm and cheery in here. Come and spend your money." They're not being PC in order to spare people's feelings. If anything, they're taking advantage of the PC movement in order to be inclusive of everyone's money!
If the Xtians really want to protest an attack on their precious holiday, they should protest the stores who target Xmas specifically by saying, "Merry Xmas." Because when stores do that, they have one thing in mind. And it ain't the birth of X. It's, get your Xtian money in here. That's it. So the Xtians should be furious at the stores who DO say, "Merry Xmas," violating the sanctity of the holiday for commercial purposes. Shit the war on Xmas has been going on for centuries.
From now on when someone complains about the war on Xmas, I respond with, "Screw you. Xtians have been perpetrating a war on Solstice for two thousand years! Xmas is a stolen pagan holiday!"
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Religious Freedom To Be Morons
I haven't blogged in a while and I know you're all sad about that. Sorry.
But sometimes all it takes to get me off my non-blogging butt is for several people to be assholes openly, in public.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate assholes. Everyone has the right to be an asshole. They should just keep it to themselves and not push their assholy agenda on the rest of us. Assholes want special rights and protections. And they want their assholyry taught in our schools. They want to teach our children that it's ok, that it's "natural" to be assholes. They want the right to marry each other.
Well it's a slippery slope people. Wake up. If we allow assholes to have their way, they'll force their asshole lifestyle right into our living rooms. Pretty soon our children will marry assholes and we'll all become assholes. And then what's to stop people from becoming total dickheads and douche bags, even mother fuckers?
So by now you may be saying, "D, you're not political. Why all this ass-un-holy fury? What inspired this anti-A-hole rant?"
Well, this:
http://bsalert.com/news/1990/Bill_Nye_Bood_In_Texas_For_Saying_The_Moon_Reflects_The_Sun.html
But sometimes all it takes to get me off my non-blogging butt is for several people to be assholes openly, in public.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate assholes. Everyone has the right to be an asshole. They should just keep it to themselves and not push their assholy agenda on the rest of us. Assholes want special rights and protections. And they want their assholyry taught in our schools. They want to teach our children that it's ok, that it's "natural" to be assholes. They want the right to marry each other.
Well it's a slippery slope people. Wake up. If we allow assholes to have their way, they'll force their asshole lifestyle right into our living rooms. Pretty soon our children will marry assholes and we'll all become assholes. And then what's to stop people from becoming total dickheads and douche bags, even mother fuckers?
So by now you may be saying, "D, you're not political. Why all this ass-un-holy fury? What inspired this anti-A-hole rant?"
Well, this:
http://bsalert.com/news/1990/Bill_Nye_Bood_In_Texas_For_Saying_The_Moon_Reflects_The_Sun.html
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
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